Case File: I am Sofa King Wee Stad Ed

You ever play a video game, know you're about to lose and eventually restart the damned thing?

That's what I did with life. I pressed the big fucking restart button, which doesnt actually do anything in the sense of allowing me to travel back in time, but it gives me a new perspective.

New ideas.

New goals.

My dear readers (or lack thereof), stay tuned.

Case File: Dingos Ate My Baby New Year

Four more months... That's all I have to wait until this year of odd, random occurrences is over... Although the concept of the year has little to no actual bearing on life itself other than it being the length of time it takes for the Earth to circle the sun... The notion that a new year is equivalent to a fresh new start is all in our heads....

Like the Easter Bunny....

And Ben Affleck's acting abilities...

This year for me has been quite the clusterfuck... almost a life representation of a beautifully chaotic art piece... that you'd be damned if you understood it's underlying meaning

Like that "Dogs Playing Poker" portrait... one day I'll crack the meaning behind that one dammit.

************

I saw this episode of America's Most Wanted where 4 guys stole a sum total of 14 million bucks... 2 guys were caught... the other 2 fled the country with over 10 million unrecovered... Bastards

So nearing the end of a much needed beer night I asked Santiago a round of questions on what he would do for money....

Dre: Dude... 1 million is alot of money
Sant: Yeah... but still.....
Dre: Ok ok... $5 million to let Nelson give you a hand job...
Sant: For how long?
Dre: Until you finish
Sant: Ugh.......
Dre: And in front of your parents
Sant: Fuck that... no
Dre: Really?... I'm pretty sure he's got soft hands
Sant: Haha... no
Dre: Yeah you're right... But what if I told you that you you wouldn't have to worry about money for the REST of your life if you did this
Sant: Eh... I dunno....
Dre: Bro, it's not gay or anything... he would just be helping you out with something you'd normally do on your own anyway

But alas, I couldn't fool Sant into saying yes... I'm pretty sure he knew once he did all it would result in would be a bevy of gay jokes... Maybe I'll think of a more creative scenario next year.

Case File: End Game

OK... this is gonna sound like a morrbid post, but bear with me.

We've all done it before. We think about death. It's once of life's few inevitabilities.

Death (presumably) sucks. But what sucks even harder is the thought of who may not potentially give a shit of your passing. Yeah, there'll be someone out there that you know who will absorb the news of your demise as a passing thought. Awesome, right?

Not really.

So I thought about this during a bout of insomnia. Too often I go out of my way for people - people who I'm not certain if they'd do the same for me. I go to all the birthday parties. I get the check. I'll be the ride home. Not because I'm some pussy-fied chump; it's because I value the people in my life. But then the death thoughts come in and I wonder who'll cry the longest.

Or laugh... depending on how you remember me. Hopefully the latter.

It's such a mindfuck of a topic, isn't it? No one wants to think about these things, but I think it's an intriguing topic, albeit somewhat morbid as I previously stated.

Anyway, there's no underlying message behind this, which is normally the case with my posts. No bigger picture. No sublimities. Just a question that I pose to you. Next week I'll tackle "Where's the Beef?"

I heart bad Eighties commercials.

Case File: The Revelation Won't Be Televised

I was walking to Port Authority from work when an older, pungent gentleman ran up to me and politely stated...

"AMERICA IS A HAVEN FOR CRIMINALS AND SINNERS! GOD IS COMING TO PURGE THIS WORLD OF IT'S WRONG-DOERS!!!"

... All while shoving a tattered Bible in my face.

Now, this had me shitting in my pants (which sucked obviously because my pants were freshly laundered). I had absolutely no clue that God was coming! I mean... this was so unexpected. I need to spruce up and put on some un-shat pants.

Suddenly, the sky parted and an elderly man enveloped in light descended to earth.

Dre: Holy shit! God really is White!
God: Calm down, stupid. I'm here to purge this world yada, yada, yada...
Dre: So wait... Is this the Rapture?
God: What else would it be?
Dre: Well I dunno... It just seems a bit... uneventful
God: You people always want a freaking show. OK fine.
Muslim God: WAIT A SEC! What the hell is going on here?!?!
God: Ignore him. He's just an old college buddy of mine. He won't accept that I run shit around here.
Muslim God: Who has the bigger following? Yeah that's what I thought.
God: Dude... don't you have some infidels to go slaughter?
Jewish God: At least he's not going around having illegitimate children!
God: Who asked you? Jesus was a blessing.
Jewish God: Hey kid... I would never father a son out of wedlock. And if you join me you get to wear this nifty hat and run Hollywood.
Dre: Whoa, whoa, whoa... you know I don't actually believe that... who knew Jewish God was an anti-Semite
Jehovah's Witness God: Hey, have you guys ever heard of me?
God/Muslim God/Jewish God: Great.......
Dre: I'm sorry we're not interested
Jehovah's Witness God: I'll only take a minute of your time. Why don't you look over this pamphlet.

At this point all the other God's discreetly edged away and ascended back to their respective heavens while Jehovah's Witness God yapped my ear off for the next 2 hours about how great he is. When I was finally able to get a word in edgewise I said...

Dre: Have you ever considered that you may be wrong?
Jehovah's Witness God: I'm God. I can't be wrong.
Dre: Yeah, but so are they. You can't all be right.
Jehovah's Witness God: Have you read the pamphlet?
Dre: I actually did. And there's really no significant difference between any of you. If I lead a good life I'll get salvation right?
Jehovah's Witness God: I guess...
Dre: So back off and stop whoring yourself out... I've got some shitty pants to clean
Tom Cruise: Hey... You guys should take this awesome test!
Dre/Jehovah's Witness God: Great..............

Case File: Relaunched

Well look at this. It looks like there's been some new stuff going on here. www.themindofdre.com has been relaunched, acting as an online portfolio of sorts.

Sounds cool?

Well, it is to me.

There's been a quote/unquote reset of many things lately (I guess if I'm writing this I could've just put the word "reset" in quotes.... hmmm... whatever)... I'm prepping to finish up my MCSE in the next few months. I've got these various projects going on. And I'm working as hard as humanly possible to claw my way out of he Sallie Mae ditch. Fun times.

Well... I'm lazy at the moment. A real entry will be posted soon. It seems like the web-junkie thing to do, but just to (hopefully) gain an audience, I'll be updating every other day... literally.

Happy surfing, bitches.